one small step.

30^th Dec 2010

Thursday // 9pm // 1 year ago

And, it’s goodbye to 2010…

I’ve been meaning to post a blog for the last week or so, but I’ve literally not had a minute to myself. I have been busy with the people I love, spending quality time together over the Christmas holiday. I have had one of my favourite Christmas’ this year. I found someone who makes me so happy, who makes everything feel better and now I understand why it didn’t work with anyone else. I’ve also got so close to my bestfriend again, spending every minute together, going for coffee dates, partying and just general attached-at-the-hip kind of behaviour. I hate the goodbyes that are coming/have come though, university is a bitch that way. If only all the people you love could go to the one university. I actually am buzzin’ with happiness right now, I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. I walked round town today with a few friends, and found myself smiling at everything, at everyone. Life can be funny sometimes, can’t it?

This year has been so kind, yet so cruel to me, I’ve been hurt like never before, but I’ve experienced love and kindness to a whole new level aswell. This year my eyes were opened, and I lost a certain sense of naivety about life, I now know I’m never going to know it all, and no-one is ever fully content with what they have in life, but you just have to appreciate what you do have, who you have and do what you can to love others around you, and make it hell for anyone who stops you doing what you love. It pretty much revolves around love. I think I lost my way this year, infact, I did. But, in losing my way, I’ve started to piece myself together, bit by bit, and it’s a slow and often painful process, but it’s better than being this mess of pieces of what others want you to be, what you think you should be, what you’re not and then just a tiny little fragment of what you actually are.

My favourite memories this year? There’s so many. The times I’ve been on stage all hold unique memories for me, it’s such a privelage to be on stage with talented people, doing what you love. Oklahoma, Chess, Youth Theatre… They all hold so many memories for me, and I met some people that I wouldn’t change for the world, who have inspired me and encouraged me to do what I love. I had to say goodbye to my local theatre company in September, as I had to drop out of a show due to uni, this was heartbreaking, it was like leaving a family. Chess made me realize just how much I want this, how much I love being on stage.

Oxegen… 4 days in a muddy field, with not much food, too much alcohol and smelly people. Yet, I had the most amazing 4 days ever and met some people I’ll never forget. I got to see some of my favourite bands in the space of those 4 days, with some of my favourite people on the planet, and it was simply beautiful. Belsonic is another lovely memory, in which I got to see Biffy Clyro for the second time :)

I think leaving school and starting university is probably one of the most key points of this year. It feels so odd to think that I started this year in school and I’m now finishing it in university. That transition is HUGE. But, living in Belfast has meant I’ve had so many opportunities to meet the most amazing people, and I get to live with such lovely friends, and the fact I can actually call them friends means the world to me. I love my drama class, they are so crazy, but so lovable. I cannot wait for my next 2 and a half years at Queens. People always look down on you a bit for staying “at home,” but it was so scary moving away from home, even if it is just an hour up the road. But, I wouldn’t change my decision for the world :)

I can’t even capture every memory I want to, but I am definitely finishing this year on a high, and I’m a little bit sad that it has to come to an end, but all good things do. This year has brought me heartache and hope. There was some really, really dark days, some days I never want to relive. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed, or move out of my room, because the tears just wouldn’t stop. But, there’s been so many times I have literally dancing about my room like a goof, because I feel so loved, so excited… I have the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, and I am so glad I’m not just saying that to look like some sort of poetic fruitbag. I genuinely am so lucky that my friends are such goofs, but yet so talented, and genuine.

I’m not saying that I’m finishing this year fixed, in any way. I am still so broken, so so broken. And, I’m not where I’d like to be, in a spiritual sense, but these things take time. This year I found an inner-strength to get up and get going again, I kept focused, I pushed for what I wanted, and even though I fell, really hard, I got up again and I’m ending this year standing on my own two feet, with a family, a group of friends I love to pieces, a relationship I love being and I’m doing a university degree I actually care towards. I am so lucky, so incredibly lucky. I don’t take time to look at my life, and really appreciate the beauty of it all sometimes.

My hopes for 2011 are high, and I will go into this year with a heart, that may be broken, but that is full of love and hope, and I won’t let go of all that I’ve learnt this year. I will go for my dreams, my ambitions, with my heart and my head. I will give my all to this degree, and to this relationship. I’ll fall, I’ll cry and I’ll hurt, but I’ll get back up again and dust myself off and keep going, because, if this year has taught me anything, it’s that you have to keep going, because life doesn’t slow down or stop, life’s careless and reckless, and you have to fight, all the time, to keep your head above water. But, life can be beautiful, so beautiful.

Goodbye 2010, I’ll miss you. Hello 2011, I look forward to seeing you
:) xx